Thursday, 19 June 2014

Being Me... (1)

As an individual I often found myself engulfed in an array of questions – Why would this have happened in the first place? What was that thing that I had felt when I had seen that person? How does a Mother seem to know the exact time her child is hungry? Does God know that I am feeling lost right now? Will he be showing me the right path? When people say, time is the best healer, how much time do they really think it would take? Will I ever come to know who would cry when I breathe my last?

One day when I found myself utterly depressed, my doctor recommended meditation. He advised me to pray and contemplate, and told me that my qualms are somewhere linked to my spiritual origins. I found this amusing and at the same time didn’t want to believe him. I thought this can be a faux solution and there is nothing that anyone can do, but tackle with his/her daily frustrations, only as and when the day comes. There is nothing like an eternal solution to this. There can never be a day when I say that “today” was perfect, that “today” was without any apprehensions, “today” was without any fears. I went on to be my own victim, transiting through the days as if I was being forced to live them. As if nothing I did, really mattered to anyone.

Until one morning when I was dragging myself on the roads, I saw a truck of mirrors passing by. Several mirrors flashed on me an image which I barely recognized. I didn’t know who this person was. While I looked at myself, I realized that I was losing touch with myself. I am talking less to my soul these days. I have aged prematurely and I don’t remember when I smiled last. I could see some dark lines on my forehead and my eyes were a little less than hollow. It couldn’t have happened in a day, I thought. And that is when I realized that I have been doing this to myself since years. I haven’t had a clue of what my own thoughts were making out of me. And then I happened to read a maxim that almost suddenly woke me up from a deep slumber. While I was surfing one day I got to read a quote from Rhonda Byrne’s The Secret “The truth is that the universe has been answering you all of your life, but you cannot receive the answers unless you are awake.” 
I felt my thoughts spin on a completely different path. I now wanted to get to know myself. I wanted to understand what I yearned for, what is the purpose of my life. A few initial days, I thought meditating would be the best recourse. However, that didn’t seem to be working. I often found my thoughts straying and it was a tough job to sit still for a long duration. But this time I was not about to give up. The sense of being was so powerful that I started looking for various ways of contemplation. I found out through a lot of research that meditation was not the only remedy. A person can look inside himself through various other ways like taking up a hobby that one likes, or taking a walk early in the morning, or talking to trees or pets. Hence I spoke to myself and concluded that what I can best do is work out. I started with a walk, then a jog and then sprinted across the country-side. I started feeling the difference since the first day. While I sweated out, I spoke to myself. I got to know I love certain smells in the vicinity. I realized that there are some beautiful birds which visit some places everyday and I started paying attention to the way they sang through their little beaks. Their eyes now suddenly were of meaning to me. After a few days of my jog therapy, I realized that I could hear my voice. I had started connecting with myself. And this had happened only when I learnt to connect with things outside me. “Paying attention” was something I learnt really mattered. Whether it is towards yourself, or towards someone you love, or towards the things that nature has to say.  Life had suddenly started to mean something.

I had heard of spirituality but had never thought that I could be interested in it. At the same time, I also wanted to connect with myself. I wanted to know the essence of my being. Now that I had begun my quest, I didn’t want to leave it halfway. I wanted the Universe to conspire to help me achieve it. Like The Alchemist, I wanted to be able to conquer my fears and even if I fell seven times, I wanted to ensure that I get up the eighth time.

When I started my journey towards spiritualism, I never knew that things as tough as these can bring an absolute sense of joy. Connecting dots was an enlightening exercise and I had started to believe in the concept of an after life and spiritual origins. While we all want to make sure that we find peace one day, we fail to understand the little nuances of being an individual. The anticipation of reaching the destination is so strong, that we fail to enjoy the journey. While we all want to bring goodness in our own lives, we fail to realize that goodness to self is called selfishness and goodness to others is called selflessness. It is then up to us to realize whether we opt for the first or the second one. While I kept all these things in my mind, it was still difficult to love selflessly. Material world is a big obstacle for anyone who is in search of real happiness. You may want to make things good for the other person, but because the world has become such a place, your motives can always be looked upon suspiciously. How on earth do you then make your world a better place! At such times it is important for us to understand that although we might want people to believe in us, not everyone would. Hence keep doing and keep walking. Don’t stop and look back to see what the result is. If you have been true to your heart, the result would always be in your favor.

The Great Lord Krishna (in the great epic of Mahabharata) has said in his well-known scripture Bhagavad Gita “Karmanye Vadhikarastay, Ma Faleshu Kadachana”. This means doing the best possible work from your side is what you can do and you have a right to. What you get in return is neither your lookout nor your right. .... (to be continued. ..)

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